Book Review: Self-Compassion by Kristin Neff, PhD by Vendela Lilliestråle

Camilla and I recently read "Self-Compassion” by Kristin Neff as part of Business & Dreams’ book club. Today I want to share some insights from the book that really stayed with me.

Firstly, short about the author

The author of the book, Kristin Neff, is an associate professor at the University of Texas and has been credited with doing the first academic studies into self-compassion. In addition to her academic work and role as an author, she is the co-founder of the nonprofit Center for Mindful Self-Compassion.

So let’s deep dive into the book

In the book Neff explores the concept of self-compassion and how it can improve our lives. Neff explains self-compassion as of way of extending our compassion to one's self in instances of perceived inadequacy or suffering. She has defined self-compassion as being composed of three main parts: self-kindness, common humanity, and mindfulness.

Here are some concepts and themes in the book I found especially interesting.

1.Superiority bias vs self-criticism

We constantly go between inflating our egos (“I’m much smarter than that person”) and criticizing ourselves (“I’m so stupid”). Regarding the need to boost ourselves, we seem to have a never-ending urge to feel superior to those around us. Neff brings up the Lake Wobegon Effect, also known as the Superiority Bias, which means that everyone thinks they are above average in various domains. At the same time, many of us are our own worst critics and say things to ourselves only an enemy would. Neff argues that being “average” seems to not be acceptable, let alone not judging ourselves in the first place at all.

2. The never-ending game of comparison

Neff explains that evolution programmed us think and act in accordance with the above-mentioned duality. We boost ourselves with hopes of achieving high status in our group. Having high status means that we are guaranteed a seat at the table, with resources such as food and shelter. What would then be the point evolutionary of criticizing and diminishing ourselves? The answer is that historically if you felt insecure about something, it was strategically smart to openly display your inferiority to others. While not receiving as much resources as the alphas in the group, you were still guaranteed to be included since you weren’t a threat to the group.

We therefore have the need to constantly evaluate ourselves in relation to others in a group. Comparison is with other words hardwired in our genes. We feel good when we are better than someone else and feel bad when someone outperforms us. We sadly also love to see people we are envious of failing and it will , at least momentarily make us feel better about ourselves. However, Neff argues that we need to move past the comparison game since comparison, even if it can feel rewarding, will inevitably lead to isolation. The opposite, the state of not comparing ourselves to others and rather embrace our similarities, will lead to connectedness which is a much more pleasant state to be in.

3. Common humanity

Self-compassion removes the, as Neff puts it, artificial separateness we often place between us and others. Instead of the constant comparison, we acknowledge that we all share so many of the joys and struggles in life. We all are dealing with things and we all are shaped the way we are by factors in many instances outside of our control.

4. Motivation and self-compassion.

Neff shares that one of the fears many people have regarding adopting a kinder inner dialogue is that they would lose motivation. Many people think that punishment, fear and criticism are necessary elements to reach a goal and change the current state. However, Neff argues that this is simply not true and the reason it that self-compassion comes from a place of love and love will always be the best way of acting in a way that is the most optimal for us. In Neff’s research, she found that people with more self-compassion had equally high goals in life compared to people with less self-compassion. The difference between the groups was that if failure occured, the first group were much kinder to themselves before continuing, making the journey of change more pleasant.

5. Men versus women

According to Neff’s research, women in general show less compassion to themselves but more compassion to other people compared to men. With other words, the discrepancy between the two types of compassion (self-compassion and compassion towards others) is much greater among women. Neff’s theory is that women are raised in a way to care about others and to put other people’s needs above our own needs. At the same time, Neff’s research shows that when we increase our self-compassion, our compassion towards others also increase. In other words, it is not selfish, rather the opposite, to focus more on cultivating self-compassion.

6. How to practise self-compassion

I loved the exercises suggested in the book and here are four of my favorites.

a) Journal from different perspectives. Journal about a quality of yours that makes you feel interior. Write down all the emotions you attach to it and how it makes you feel. Then imagine a close friend who only wants the best for you. and how she would write about you and your unwanted quality. Imagine how she probably would talk about it way differently than you and in a much more compassionate way. Try to adopt that voice for yourself.

b) Acknowledge the different voices. Imagine three chairs. In the first chair you place “The criticizer”, i.e. the voice in your head shaming you when you have done something wrong. In the second chair you place “The criticized”, i.e. the part of you receiving the criticism from yourself. Finally, in the third chair you place a wise, compassionate observer. After that, allow the first two voices to share how they feel in the situation. After that, you let the third voice acknowledge the pain from both of them and see how they can work together.

c) Use mantras. Whenever a situation happens where you are usually mean to yourself, try to have a mantra you repeat. Here is one example from Neff: 1) “This is a moment of suffering for me” 2) “Suffering is part of life” 3) “May I be kind to myself in this moment” 4) “May I give myself the compassion I need”

d) Physical touch. If you find yourself in a challenging situation, you can do a simple gesture of placing one hand on top of the forearm to activate the care system. Be aware of the warmth and gentleness of your own hand and touch it just like you would touch a family member or friend who is suffering.. You can also keep one or both hands on your heart. Physical touch, even from yourself, causes your brain to release oxytocin which stimulates the release of other feel-good hormones, such as dopamine and serotonin, while reducing stress hormones, such as cortisol and norepinephrine.

Thank you so much for reading this! Let us know if you have read the book to and what your opinions are! <3